Tenth (tenth) wrote,
  • Location: Not Jersey
  • Mood: busy
  • Music: 28 Weeks Later: Theme 7

Moving On Up (or maybe, down.)

While I have enjoyed a very fancy apartment for almost two years now, circumstances have encouraged me to look for newer, cheaper places to live.

On the one hand, I was pleased to see that there are quite a few apartments in and around the Boston area that are more affordable than my current one. On the other hand, quite a few of them are ass nasty.

Here's a good example of a Pro/Con list I made this weekend for (Address Omitted):

Pros:
Spacious Living Room and dining area
Two Bedrooms, one full bath
Front balcony (with sitting room!)
Rear balcony! (also with sitting room!)
Access to fenced back yard
Funky retro conical lighting fixtures in the stairwells
Less than $1400 / month!
Cons:
Overpowering sickly-sweet/seafood odor throughout (?)
Steady leak of foul smelling water through kitchen light fixture (!!!)
Sputtering, sparking light fixture (from the leak)
Big puddle and warped floor in kitchen (from the leak)
Mysterious, viscous yellow buildup on ceiling (from the leak?!?!)
Cracked windows, torn screens, holes in walls (fixable)
Rusted out front gate, windowsills, and fixtures (less fixable)
Approximately 1.5 miles from any non-defunct businesses

So, yeah. At least I'm feeling retroactively lucky about how lucky I was to land my current apartment and keep it for so long.

I could probably turn this into a fun series of posts... I was going to add something like "baleful, one eyed landlord", but actually she was really nice to us. Though "friendly" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

So, some other things I'd rather not see on my Cons list:

Landlord reserves half of basement storage space for "ritual use"

Neighbors exhibit unusual family resemblance, macrostomia, ichthyoid eyes, and other shared abnormalities

Unpleasant civil war era daguerreotypes to be displayed prominently as per terms of lease (Portraying mass executions, red-hooded figures amidst large tangles of bodies, etc.)

"Cold spots", electrical and magnetic interference, some gravitational lensing, expected background radiation doses between 20 and 50 millisieverts/year

Pulsating, hairy mold formations/cocoons visible along garage baseboards and along rear porch supports

Unusually high incidence of strokes, seizures, xenoglossy, heart failure, and malignant synesthesia among previous tenants

Soundless bursts and flashes of blinding blue (or gray) light from drywall cracks and gaps between walls/floors

Local and wireless phone calls frequently interrupted by hoarse, buzzing, unintelligible voice

Blasted heath, meteorite craters, the presence of a pale, outre colour or blend of colours which I can neither place nor describe

Syrupy black discharge from pipes and conduits leading below ground level

Distant, half-heard, low pitched but ceaseless howling roar from sealed attic space

Flying Polyps

I think that's about it.

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