October 31st, 2006


What a horrible night to have a curse...

You know how it is... Too busy burying dead nuns in the back lot of the abandoned bowling ball factory across the street from your apartment to get anything important done. Well, maybe you don't know how it is, but I sure as hell do. What is it with October? Though it does seem to be a bumper year for Pedopyroexibitionalist-Necrobeastiality, according to Fark. On second thought, don't click that. Definitely not at work. Even if you "work" in the ruined shambles of One-Eyed Jim's Discount Bowling Phylactery.

So the old site is still in that not-quite-dead, sorta please - just - give - my - neck - a - little - twist - and - get - it - over - with - already state, and even Frank The Putrescent Archive Zombie is feeling a little under the weather... The poor fella is barely even marcescent, though I think he might be a little marcid around the edges.

Fear not, though. There's a lot of weird stuff out there, and I plan to point out some of it today and throughout the evening.

Also... Why the crap aren't you playing Resident Evil 4? It was the best RE game of all time, and the combat was actually fun, and it's honestly worth playing just to watch Leon S Kennedy Die In A Variety Of Progressively More Terrible Ways. Honestly, just Ask MC Chris, aka Tha Pee Pants, whether you should play RE4 or Kingom Hearts II... The Dude makes some compelling arguments.

  • Current Music
    bowling balls falling unheard in a vacant lot

The White, The Black

Special Guest Correspondent: That New Guy From My Office
(transcripted from actual conversation)

"Hey bro! Remember that part in The Seventh Seal where that one dude plays chess with death? That was hot, bro! If you beat death at his game you don't gotta die no more, that's like from like mythological history shit, bro. Chess is like, hard, and shit, bro, because the rules are all like complicated and shit, so you can't win. OH SHIT bro did I tell you my girlfriend like took me off her MySpace top five friends and shit right Bro so I totally prank called her parents and pretended I was like this guy from her college and I was like a mexican or something so I was all like WOOOOOOOO..."

(Editor's Note: At this point, the dialog is interrupted by a muffled, hollow crunch, much like the sound of someone being f***d in the ear with a phillips head screwdriver, followed by a more subdued noise, similar to a bowl of hot macaroni & cheese stirred vigorously with a broken mop handle. Forensic evidence suggests that our guest correspondent may have accidentally dropped his microphone and then walked into a door or something.)

uh... Hey kids! I think what "Bro" was trying to say is that Ingmar Bergman kicks ass, Chess makes for good symbolism, and nothing quiets a fella up like a sharp piece of metal in the brain.

If I had to give out a prize for creepy chess-themed flash animations this year, I'd have to say that The White, The Black definitely deserves the nod. Brought to you by the sinister russians at ScaryDoll, it tells the story of a chess game gone bad (or good, depending on which color you prefer playing), using creepy woodcut-style art and acoustic guitar music to good effect. There's also a bit of a moral in there; I mean, it's no Charlie The Unicorn, but it is saying something... somewhere between "War Is Hell" and "Your opponent is not the pieces, but the one who moves them". Or "Laugh all you want, but I'm the one with the screwdriver in your brain." I just made that one up!
BTW, anybody want to buy a used screwdriver? Kinda sticky and warm, needs some TLC and maybe a little bleach, free to a good home. Call my cell or just come by the back of the bowling ball factory after dark.
  • Current Music
    Sweet squishy brain music

Fun With Heads I mean Pumpkins

  I'm really missing the Pumpkins this year. You see, the supermarket near my place of residence doesn't have any... They did, like, a month ago, but as of last week they basically cleared it all out to make room for Christmas trees. What kind of crap is that? Halloween hasn't even happened yet! IT IS NOT CHRISTMAS TIME, YOU DIRTY BITCHES! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! Fortunately there isn't much you can't fix with a screwdriver and a little elbow grease! And maybe some eye juice, spleenwater, brain dribbles, though that may void your warranty. See stores for details.
Unfortunately I'd probably have to stab an awful lot of supermarket employees in the brain (*) to summon the Great Pumpkin, and I may not hit the magic number by tonight. But thanks to the magic of YouTube, we can all get our fix on in a hurry!

Speed Carve! Watch some guy design and carve a Jack-O-Lantern in under a minute and thirty seconds! It takes me a lot longer than that to carve out one of those, especially if I don't tie them up with their cute green aprons first. But I think he may have sped up the recording.

Speed Rot! Time lapse photography of a pumpkin curling up into a grayed, twisted mass of ruin. It's all rainbows and chuckles until someone puts a candle in your head, and you rapidly age and rot away... Fun and educational!

Creepy Speed Rot! Get your rot on in style, complete with a catchy soundtrack and some ominously curling dry leaves. Truly the "Faster, Pussycat, Kill, Kill" of decaying pumpkin time lapse films.

* (Currently, five and a half: the last one was a "runner", so I'm only giving myself partial credit until such time as I catch him, or he bleeds out.)

  • Current Music
    Squish squish squersh squish

The Game That Should Not Be

GameTrailers did a Top Ten Scariest Games list that, for once, I mostly agree with. And it's in video format, too, which is nice. (If it was me, though, I would have dropped "Clock Tower" and snuck in something else.)

"The Scariest (Whatever)" is a pretty common topic around Halloween, though. And we've already covered the popular, movie-adapted franchise. And everyone's been beating on the "Worst Of..." already this month. So how about something a little more... uncommon?

Lovecraft was fond of the "unknowable" horror that lurks beyond the things we know and understand... The things that man was not meant to know, and that "should not be". So on that note:

"Arm Joe": The Les Miserables Fighting Game
Awwww yeah. Only in Japan, folks. So The next time you have trouble sleeping at night, consider that you live in a world where this game is allowed to frigging exist.

If you have a knack for tracking down japanese webpages, you can get a copy of your own, but don't worry... It will be at the PoeM for you to enjoy in full-on Vs. Mode. Robo-Jean-Valjean p0wnz j00!

And the runner-up...

ET: The Extraterrestrial

Arguably I'm beating a dead horse here, since this is probably well known to everyone from virtually every known "Worst Games Ever" list... but how many other titles were subject to sudden mass extinction? How many other game carts had to be rounded up by the thousands, destroyed with a steam roller, and buried in the desert to protect the democracy of our glorious United States Of "Shut Your Third Goddamned Eye For A Reason" America? Not many. And yes, it's a terrible game on top of that... See for yourself at the PoeM!
  • Current Music

The Hanged Man's Elegy

"The Poet struggles to live through his fiancée's unexpected death. He finds refuge in writing."

An amazing piece of flash animation (also available in AVI format)from the talented Alek Wasilewski, who you might remember from his earlier "Aura" series from SHoDs past.

An extremely dark story of loss, insanity, guilt, and death. Please note that it does contain blood, nudity, disturbing hallucinations, a little bit of vomit, and more than a touch of Polish death metal, and thus is almost assuredly not safe for work.

Work? Safe? Heh. No sign of the Great Pumpkin yet... And my screwdriver arm is getting pretty sore. But he's got about 30 more minutes.

While you're visiting, also check out Alek's 1001 Tips For Surviving A Zombie Holocaust. When the zombies come for your Breinz, what works in movies may not work in real life. Also, don't be a hero, and never bite zombies.

Dear GP: Eight! Finally picked up the spare. But I think I'm running out of supermarket people. Do people working at the same mini-mall count? If so, nine. Please return soon with awesome stuff. Your pal, - Dave.

  • Current Music
    A distinct absence of pumpkins, great or otherwise